exhausted.

I write the things I can’t say. I’ve never been able to do it, talk with my heart in one hand and ask for nothing in return. So I write, lately however, I just try to. Words don’t come out, and hold up feelings start to hurt… I miss you, I can’t do this anymore, I can’t fight anymore. We always fight. Can’t have you in my life, I wish you’d care but you don’t, not like you used to. When you asked me what was wrong, when meaningless flirting was allowed, when I could touch you without you stepping back, when I could count on you. I think that’s way past, we’ve always have had a one-way relationship, just suddenly directions changed. Before it was you who said I couldn’t open up, that I never said anything of what I was on my mind, on my heart, I still don’t do that. But you used to be there, you used to care. I can’t take this anymore. It wakes me up at night and keeps me from sleeping, our fights playing all over again in my head like an infinite playlist. Just say the things you want to say and leave, because I’m exhausted.

exhausted.

It feels like we ignored all the sings, the unpleasant comments, the awkward moments... Maybe we DID do the best we could and this is all we get. Indifference. Hurt. Ignore. Irony.

:(

a better time, for changes sake.

NOTE: *i know its no good, but if i don't write anything im never getting out of this mental jail.

This was supposed to be a happy time. A better time, for changes sake. For once, in a long time, it was suppose to be a literal merry Christmas. But like everything in my life, just when situations are arousing, when things are actually happening, everything crumbles down into this incomprehensible mess that hurts every time.

My friends are here, but its like they weren’t. Sometimes I think it’s the other way around. That we are all here, me and my friends but it’s like I wasn’t. Like I was excluded for so long, I don’t even count. Loneliness is the only one really there. I think I’ve written that line and all its derivatives so many times in this attempt to fix my thoughts that it hurts.

It’s ironic, when December starts approaching; we all have all this expectations. Not because of the gifts or the parties or even for us Christians, for the celebration of Jesus birth. But because December means closure in so many aspects of our lives that we look forward to it, because maybe Destiny or God, or however you want to call that higher power that controls our lives (or so we like to think and believe) will take pity on us and might change the direction our lives are moving. Every December it’s the same. We spend Christmas’s Eve with our families, and New Years with our friends, and In that final countdown we pray to God “please, make this one a better one” with the hopes that he would listen to us and make it true. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. For me… it never does. My years of life can be described as a progression of downhill happiness. The happiest days were my childhood and as I was growing up, misery was also making me its host, and in the meantime sucking all the happiness out of me it can get.

This December it’s no different. The year started out bearable. Things, situations, were handable . But august brought with it, a spinoff that has just gotten worst over the months. In matters of weeks, I was left friendless, alone in a routine full of people I had never met. My days were empty and I seized the day they would all come back for Christmas break. The truth is it hasn’t been like that at all. I discovered indifference and new friendships and maybe left out of an old friendship. This all sucked, or better said SUCKS.

I can’t say how things are going to turn out, but I’m just wishing that December goes by fast, and im back to the numb routine I handle better than deception. There are no words to describe how lonely, how empty and how jailed I feel. Its like a live in a world, I don’t even exist, not even in Christmas.

so this is how it's been lately.

I can’t write.
I miss my friends.
I miss my best friend.
I hate the university.
I hate my career.
I want things to change. But there are not… changing.

the more things change. the more they stay the same.

Its never going to change is it? Its never going to move one way or another. Or more importantly the way I really want It to. I was there. Both times. Both times, that in the last few weeks I have been utterly, devastatingly heartbroken. I had to admit, one was worse than the other one. Much worse. Maybe because both of us have had kept this obviously off relationship, but have always have this thing I’ve never been able to explain. When it happened or more like when I realized it was NOT going to happen. It was like I was punched in the stomach. I’ve always read it in books, saw it in every chick flick, how the main characters always described the heartbreak like that. That when you’ve experienced it, it feels like you’ve been punched in the stomach so hard , so penetrating, that you cant breath, and even if you could, when you try hard enough to breath, its like the air didn’t exist. Like you’ve been place in this hallowed four wall box where air doesn’t exist. I can see the irony in this, you get your heartbroken but its your stomach that hurts… weird. But that’s how I felt, an agonizing pain in the pit of my stomach every time I thought about him. And I couldn’t breath. And I tried. But it was useless, not only because it was like, for two days my brain had been in rewind for the past night events, and therefore I couldn’t get him off my mind, and I couldn’t stop the pain. But because everything reminded me of him, if I seated in the front seat, when somebody smiled the way he does, or danced in his geeky way, or even when somebody randomly said something that reminded me of lasts nights dialogue. The pain was there all the time, ripping my insides off and drowning me in this hallow ocean where I kept begging for air. But it just wouldn’t come.
I tried to pretend I was ok. Like nothing of the past night had gotten to me. And that I didn’t care. But I couldn’t. I was to hard to pretend like I was breathing, when the pain inside me so decisively prevented me from doing it. It was hard to pretend that my mind, my heart were clear and happy when it was so dark and sad inside of me I couldn’t bare. So I didn’t. I didn’t even pretend like I’ve always done. For the first time in a long time my face was showing how I really felt. Devastated. Disappointed. Sad.

I haven’t found a way around it. The pain still comes every once in a while. But it is my main task, goal each day to prevent my mind from going back. So I once in a while im able to take a deep breath and enjoy the air inside my lungs as long as it lasts.

as things turned out...

"When you're dreamin with a broken heart

The wakin up is the hardest part

You roll outta bed and down on your knees

And for a moment you can hardly breath"

☮and♥

hate it.

I hate I when this happens. When you work hard, and hope for this one thing NOT to happen.

You teach yourself not to care, to imprison your heart with the sad means of attempting a forbidden entrance to anyone who might brake you. That’s the problem with being in love or even caring , as long as you are happy it’s the best thing in the world, turn it the other way around and suddenly that same love has the outmost power to brake you and shatter your heart in a thousand pieces. So you work hard not to let that happen. Because somehow you just cant stand to reassemble your puzzled heart again. And you convince yourself that this way is not only easier, but way better than living your life in the expecting, in the hoping. What more can you possible ask for? No strings attached, no relationships, no valentine days gift or anniversary presents to think of. Just have fun enjoy the moment and keep on going without looking back. And you live years without letting anyone brake you, and you have master this “modus Vivendi”, this way of life, you have not only taught yourself not to care, but also not to cry, not to laugh (not genuinely anyways), not to feel. And even in that verge… you still think this is way better than having to feel, this is way better than having to care. No strings attached. But then life has somehow prepare a little surprise for you, an unexpected charade that is bound to change your life, or the way you live it anyways. Destiny has a way of getting always what it wants. It doesn’t matter how much you plan on not letting it happen. It searches, studying your life, to see when is it going to shot that meteor in your sky so you can see clearly again. Patiently. One day when you are feeling vulnerable relatively (because that’s something you have taught yourself too, not to be vulnerable), that one day where you go out of your routine, and are surrounded by people you don’t know, that one day where you have step aside from your secure social circle of hypocrites ( because you pretend to care , but you don’t, but again so much better to pretend to care, that’s why you have stick around those pretender for so long, its way more easy to not to care) destiny shoots you this meteor, that rocks your world in a sudden , like an earthquake that leaves you trembling on a fine rope. And are about to fall. you cant manage to stand still, to go back, to not to care, you are dazzled. By the one person you didn’t ever consider building a wall because you would never have thought in your years of living that HE was going to change your world. He is not even your type, but when he talks you cant avoid to look. And when he touches you its like someone has just hit you with tiny electric shocks of currents that suddenly wakes your dead heart. And you cant help it. You go through the obvious long, stupid, time consuming process of denial, because your brain cant stand the fact that it has lost your heart to someone so ridiculously random. And then after you cant help it anymore. You accept reality and manage in the best way possible your new world, this whole new modus Vivendi which you cant stand because you feel that you are always on the verge. That your relative happiness ( because you weren’t really happy before, not sad either… just numb.) are not dependent on your actions anymore, but in another human beings actions. And it sucks. But your body has been filled , and the whole that existed there before is gone. And you don’t like it because you know the consequences, but still, you cant fight it because every time you see him, the feeling wins over the battle against you and conquers your way of being. And you have nothing else but to accept that after years of emptiness you are suddenly a whole again, and that after hundreds of days every effort to close yourself to the world, is shatter by this one person you would have never expect to fall for.