a better time, for changes sake.

NOTE: *i know its no good, but if i don't write anything im never getting out of this mental jail.

This was supposed to be a happy time. A better time, for changes sake. For once, in a long time, it was suppose to be a literal merry Christmas. But like everything in my life, just when situations are arousing, when things are actually happening, everything crumbles down into this incomprehensible mess that hurts every time.

My friends are here, but its like they weren’t. Sometimes I think it’s the other way around. That we are all here, me and my friends but it’s like I wasn’t. Like I was excluded for so long, I don’t even count. Loneliness is the only one really there. I think I’ve written that line and all its derivatives so many times in this attempt to fix my thoughts that it hurts.

It’s ironic, when December starts approaching; we all have all this expectations. Not because of the gifts or the parties or even for us Christians, for the celebration of Jesus birth. But because December means closure in so many aspects of our lives that we look forward to it, because maybe Destiny or God, or however you want to call that higher power that controls our lives (or so we like to think and believe) will take pity on us and might change the direction our lives are moving. Every December it’s the same. We spend Christmas’s Eve with our families, and New Years with our friends, and In that final countdown we pray to God “please, make this one a better one” with the hopes that he would listen to us and make it true. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. For me… it never does. My years of life can be described as a progression of downhill happiness. The happiest days were my childhood and as I was growing up, misery was also making me its host, and in the meantime sucking all the happiness out of me it can get.

This December it’s no different. The year started out bearable. Things, situations, were handable . But august brought with it, a spinoff that has just gotten worst over the months. In matters of weeks, I was left friendless, alone in a routine full of people I had never met. My days were empty and I seized the day they would all come back for Christmas break. The truth is it hasn’t been like that at all. I discovered indifference and new friendships and maybe left out of an old friendship. This all sucked, or better said SUCKS.

I can’t say how things are going to turn out, but I’m just wishing that December goes by fast, and im back to the numb routine I handle better than deception. There are no words to describe how lonely, how empty and how jailed I feel. Its like a live in a world, I don’t even exist, not even in Christmas.