hate it.

I hate I when this happens. When you work hard, and hope for this one thing NOT to happen.

You teach yourself not to care, to imprison your heart with the sad means of attempting a forbidden entrance to anyone who might brake you. That’s the problem with being in love or even caring , as long as you are happy it’s the best thing in the world, turn it the other way around and suddenly that same love has the outmost power to brake you and shatter your heart in a thousand pieces. So you work hard not to let that happen. Because somehow you just cant stand to reassemble your puzzled heart again. And you convince yourself that this way is not only easier, but way better than living your life in the expecting, in the hoping. What more can you possible ask for? No strings attached, no relationships, no valentine days gift or anniversary presents to think of. Just have fun enjoy the moment and keep on going without looking back. And you live years without letting anyone brake you, and you have master this “modus Vivendi”, this way of life, you have not only taught yourself not to care, but also not to cry, not to laugh (not genuinely anyways), not to feel. And even in that verge… you still think this is way better than having to feel, this is way better than having to care. No strings attached. But then life has somehow prepare a little surprise for you, an unexpected charade that is bound to change your life, or the way you live it anyways. Destiny has a way of getting always what it wants. It doesn’t matter how much you plan on not letting it happen. It searches, studying your life, to see when is it going to shot that meteor in your sky so you can see clearly again. Patiently. One day when you are feeling vulnerable relatively (because that’s something you have taught yourself too, not to be vulnerable), that one day where you go out of your routine, and are surrounded by people you don’t know, that one day where you have step aside from your secure social circle of hypocrites ( because you pretend to care , but you don’t, but again so much better to pretend to care, that’s why you have stick around those pretender for so long, its way more easy to not to care) destiny shoots you this meteor, that rocks your world in a sudden , like an earthquake that leaves you trembling on a fine rope. And are about to fall. you cant manage to stand still, to go back, to not to care, you are dazzled. By the one person you didn’t ever consider building a wall because you would never have thought in your years of living that HE was going to change your world. He is not even your type, but when he talks you cant avoid to look. And when he touches you its like someone has just hit you with tiny electric shocks of currents that suddenly wakes your dead heart. And you cant help it. You go through the obvious long, stupid, time consuming process of denial, because your brain cant stand the fact that it has lost your heart to someone so ridiculously random. And then after you cant help it anymore. You accept reality and manage in the best way possible your new world, this whole new modus Vivendi which you cant stand because you feel that you are always on the verge. That your relative happiness ( because you weren’t really happy before, not sad either… just numb.) are not dependent on your actions anymore, but in another human beings actions. And it sucks. But your body has been filled , and the whole that existed there before is gone. And you don’t like it because you know the consequences, but still, you cant fight it because every time you see him, the feeling wins over the battle against you and conquers your way of being. And you have nothing else but to accept that after years of emptiness you are suddenly a whole again, and that after hundreds of days every effort to close yourself to the world, is shatter by this one person you would have never expect to fall for.