the more things change. the more they stay the same.

Its never going to change is it? Its never going to move one way or another. Or more importantly the way I really want It to. I was there. Both times. Both times, that in the last few weeks I have been utterly, devastatingly heartbroken. I had to admit, one was worse than the other one. Much worse. Maybe because both of us have had kept this obviously off relationship, but have always have this thing I’ve never been able to explain. When it happened or more like when I realized it was NOT going to happen. It was like I was punched in the stomach. I’ve always read it in books, saw it in every chick flick, how the main characters always described the heartbreak like that. That when you’ve experienced it, it feels like you’ve been punched in the stomach so hard , so penetrating, that you cant breath, and even if you could, when you try hard enough to breath, its like the air didn’t exist. Like you’ve been place in this hallowed four wall box where air doesn’t exist. I can see the irony in this, you get your heartbroken but its your stomach that hurts… weird. But that’s how I felt, an agonizing pain in the pit of my stomach every time I thought about him. And I couldn’t breath. And I tried. But it was useless, not only because it was like, for two days my brain had been in rewind for the past night events, and therefore I couldn’t get him off my mind, and I couldn’t stop the pain. But because everything reminded me of him, if I seated in the front seat, when somebody smiled the way he does, or danced in his geeky way, or even when somebody randomly said something that reminded me of lasts nights dialogue. The pain was there all the time, ripping my insides off and drowning me in this hallow ocean where I kept begging for air. But it just wouldn’t come.
I tried to pretend I was ok. Like nothing of the past night had gotten to me. And that I didn’t care. But I couldn’t. I was to hard to pretend like I was breathing, when the pain inside me so decisively prevented me from doing it. It was hard to pretend that my mind, my heart were clear and happy when it was so dark and sad inside of me I couldn’t bare. So I didn’t. I didn’t even pretend like I’ve always done. For the first time in a long time my face was showing how I really felt. Devastated. Disappointed. Sad.

I haven’t found a way around it. The pain still comes every once in a while. But it is my main task, goal each day to prevent my mind from going back. So I once in a while im able to take a deep breath and enjoy the air inside my lungs as long as it lasts.